#BLOGMAS DAY 5 - Never Have I Ever Until

Hello and welcome to this special episode of Never Have I Ever Until! I'll go first.

Never Have I Ever, until the 1st of December, been called "fake". Never Have I Ever, until then, had to listen to being called out for whispering and rolling my eyes behind people's back.

It wasn't the nicest experience in the world, but I guess they had to push that through before I turned twenty. Let me tell you why.

See, I can't even deny that I actually do whisper at times, commenting certain peoples statements. And hell yeah, I roll my eyes. A lot. But I never meant for my cynic remarks to hurt someone.

For most of my college life, I have felt a little left out. Not by the people in my class; they're nice enough, and never deliberately excluded me. I chose to distance myself a bit. That's because I honestly don't get the spirit of the class, or the whole school, most of the time. It is their unconditional passion for the fashion world and their opinions on designers, collections, trends, editorials and the sense of it all that I simply don't share. I love fashion, but in a different way. My way is more superficial. More consumer-based. More "I would wear that" than "what a fascinating vision". More "I wouldn't date a man who wears that" than "what a unique sense of style". And I'm not visually assessed at all. Layouting is a necessary evil for me rather than a fun task. I'm in love with writing and analysing language and most of the others, in turn, aren't.
These facts aren't to be blamed on anyone. It's just the way I feel. And you know, feeling like you're the only one who just doesn't understand is a sad circumstance. I've thought about this a lot, struggling with it for nearly a year, and I realized that I won't change. I won't develop their attitude. I don't even want to, it's so far from my own.

This semester, I grew closer to a few of the others and was finally able to blow off some steam to them. We have a new girl and we sit next to each other a lot and she's the one I turn towards when I have a funny comment to make. These comments, that I have been accused of making on the sly to spite the people who are talking, usually don't even adress them personally. I'm not expressing my dislike towards them, I am expressing my utter baffledness towards what they're saying, and that is because, as I said, I truly don't get where they're coming from. I can't help but blurt out something like "Oh, of course" when someone says something that I would have never said in a million years with complete conviction. Or "Why don't we just shave the models' heads and put them in garter belts. Makes perfect sense for a Christmas editorial" (Alright, alright, no one suggested that one, but you get my allusion). It helps me not scream out "Why is everyone crazy in here" loudly in the middle of class. I thought that was less preferable, but obviously, people want me to "be straight forward with them". I'd like to see their faces if I sat next to them bickering all day long. It would drive all of us mad - it's not like I have constructive criticism to make, I just want to laugh about things I find ridiculous and for Heaven's sake, I like to spread the laughter.

So pardon me if they thought I'm laughing about them, but I'm not. I don't understand them, and they won't understand me, and that's why I'm not talking directly to them even though what I'm saying is inspired by what they're saying. And I bet I'm not rolling my eyes at them any more than vice versa.

Be kind, but don't shut up, lovelies.

Love,

Rosy Smith