Okay?

I'm pretty sure I have declared myself to have hit rock bottom before but it turns out, there are lots and lots of bottoms left to crash through. How nice.

This time, it was me googling the "normal" time span people usually feel like shit for after a break-up and if that isn't enough of a downfall, I ended up on a psychology site that listed different stages of awful feelings, which just made me feel some more of them right away.

I just hit my head on my bedframe. That's what you get for sitting on it in the middle of the day.

Anyways, I find that these supposedly helpful tips either make you sad all over again because they formulate the sickness you feel, or they make you feel bad because they keep on telling you that you'll get over it and that all the things you wish you'd gather the courage up to do, like writing a letter or just calling him up, would not change anything. I'm sorry, but do they know anything about anyone's relationship, at all? When you're desperate enough to rely on the internet to feel better, it is totally not helping to be chastised by may-or-may-not-have-a-degree psychologists on top of it all. Stuff like "Stop this", "don't do that", "that's not relevant" is so not what we tormented souls need to hear. What I want is to be pet on the back and told that my point of view is the only valid thing in the world, being:

It's okay to hold on to your pyjama's like they're a security blanket.

It's okay to not be hungry, just as it is okay to try and fill the emptiness with Chinese food and chocolate. Just, like, don't starve.

It's okay to spend days at a time on the couch watching hours of sitcoms from beginning to end.

It's okay to complain about not doing anything with your life besides watching hours of sitcoms from beginning to end.

It's okay to feel unable to do anything to distract yourself even though you want to.

It's okay to enjoy things that distract you.

It's okay to switch from enjoying those things to being sad again.

It's okay to crave company.

It's okay to bring up that same topic to your company again and again even though there's nothing new to add and you end up being sad.

It's okay to cry. In the middle of the day, in the middle of the night, right after you wake up, when your noodles fall of your spoon, when something reminds you of them, when you wash your hair, when you're alone, when you're with a friend.

It's okay to miss them.

It's okay to make up dramatic metaphors about how your whole body feels raw and bruised and every move hurts.

It's okay to take breaks from thinking about it.

It's okay to feel like you're never gonna be okay again. I'm not even gonna tell you that you will be, eventually, because personally, hearing that makes me wanna throw up, and I think that's okay as well.

The list goes on.

Love,

Rosy Smith